I just finished my last final and completed my last paper. I am done-for the quarter at least!-and am graduating with my AAS on Friday.
In the last few weeks my stress levels have been at their highest, and I have not dealt with this well at all. I have cried a lot, been sick a lot, and got grumpy at people a lot. For that I apologize. I don’t handle pressure very well at all.
But since it is not all over (for a few weeks), I want to celebrate!
Yep, this year I am a sold-out fan. 2011! This is our year!
Game one of the Stanley Cup Finals is tomorrow! I do not care for any other sports, but my Canadian blood has always given me a fondness for hockey.
GO CANUCKS GO!
(Since I love both Bruno Mars and our boys, I couldn’t resist sharing this with you.)
Many nights I spend awake wishing I could return to the faith of my childhood. My eyes are closed, but sleep escapes me as I wrestle with the idea of being an atheist.
I miss being part of some kind of social construct. I miss knowing what I was supposed to do and when I was supposed to do it. I miss the identity of Christianity. I miss being included in my family in ways I no longer can.
One year ago today I sat in the Denver airport wishing I could have the courage to leave, wishing I could no longer pretend to be someone I am not, wishing I would not have to hide in shadows any longer.
I feel off balance now.
I enjoy breathing the air of freedom and embracing a truthful, open life. I enjoy the things I do now without guilt or shame. I share drinks with friends without being uncomfortable with their various religions or lack thereof…or being uncomfrotable with a drink itself. I like being able to open a book about religious philosophy without scrutinizing the seminary the author received his diploma from. I love dancing at one in the morning because I am twenty-one and embracing this time in my life.
At the same time I feel missing. Lonely. Displaced.
If only I could reconcile two worlds. If only I could know with a fair amount of certainty that I am in the right. If only I could carry on with my life without having the chains of the past around my ankles.
If only the air of freedom I breathe now could truly be free.
“Where in the Bible does our service to the Lord include dancing?”
I won’t even honor that question with a response.
But really, fundamentalists who spend this much time tearing down “Contemporary Christian Music” when there is an entire Bible full of things to preach about and a world to “rescue” and children who are dying and Americans who are starving…
Sad.
My sister told me that I have recently been trying to start fights with everything I write. I found her assumptions to be a bit unfair.
I am in a process of learning and newness right now. I want to discuss religion and my lack thereof with those who are willing. For those who are not, they have the option to skim past my Facebook and ignore my blog posts.
I do not find my comments to be any more controversial than Christians who constantly post things about their faith.
Your thoughts? Am I just being a bitchy, bitter ex-Christian?
I have always been intrigued by this song. I am not sure how I feel about it now, but I still find it compelling.
I no longer believe in a god, but sometimes I wonder why I in panic will breathe a “oh god!” or send up unrealized prayers into the universe.
How do you feel about this song?
Side note:
My sister says the best thing about my old blog was the randomness of it. She’s right; that was the delightful part of it. While you can expect many posts to revolve around my newfound philosophies, also look for posts about the nuances of my day to day life as a tea drinking, book reading, friend loving twenty-one year old. That stuff is pretty good too.
Atheist is one of my commonly misspelled words. I tend to mix up the e and the i. Athiest.
Atheist.
On March 22 of this year I admitted to myself, my family, and all 469 of my Facebook friends that I no longer believed in the Christianity I once embraced. Today is the two month anniversary of that event. At once it feels like yesterday and a lifetime ago.
My life changed that day. My relationships with my family shifted, friendships were severed, and my comfortable place in a society of Christians was lost.
I am still working through what all that means for me. For several years I have been a blogger. I blogged through my thoughts and emotions and tried to convince myself of the truth of Christianity. While I eventually relinquished my hold on religion, blogging has always been a solace for me.
I am a new person, so I needed a new blog. On here I hope to work through my new way of thinking, share interesting links, and have discussions about religion and atheism. I welcome any perspective and encourage conversation.
Why the faithful atheist? When I gave up my Christianity, many people assumed I would become a completely different person. I was likely to pierce every pierceable part of my body, tattoo “Satan” on my forehead, start a drug addiction, and get pregnant without knowing who to claim as the father.
None of that has happened. I am still myself. I am still a person who enjoys intellectual stimulation and the outlet of writing. I am, really, a faithful atheist.
I hope you will offer me the honor of your presence here.
The Faithful Atheist 